Parent-To-Parent With Jim and Colleen O’Brien
By: Jim and Colleen O’Brien
Dear Parents,
It’s almost time for your son or daughter to come home from college for the summer. First, no matter what the level of anxiety, be thrilled that you’ll have some quality time with your returning family member. As parents we need to understand that habits of students are a little different than what you may be used to. The adjustment can be very challenging. As parents we’ve survived three daughters coming home for summer over the years: Sarah (Willamette, ’04), Katie (Seattle U, ’07), Corrina (Gonzaga, ’10). We learned some lessons the hard way, so we’d thought we’d pass on a few tips to consider.
What we have found out is that the average college student sends and receives 80 text messages a day, spends an additional hour a day on the phone, almost two hours a day on the computer (on non-school related issues), sleeps about 6 hours a night, goes to bed at 1am or later, and their favorite foods are pizza, top ramen, mac and cheese and hot pockets. Here are some tips that may be useful…
1) We found that there are some major differences from the habits they have acquired at college and the rules you we had laid down at home previously. Understand that and have good and frequent conversations with them about those differences early upon their return.
2) Our daughters liked to stay out later and that made us uncomfortable. We just don’t sleep right until they’re home. Let them know that and set some guidelines about communicating where they are and what time they’ll be home.
3) Although they only slept six hours a night in college, Sarah, Katie, and Corrina seemed to want to catch up on that sleep at home. It was an adjustment but as parents, we accepted it. Don’t let it drive you crazy, but set some parameters. We asked our daughters to be out of bed by 10 am on weekdays they weren’t working.
4) Help around the house was usually a sticky subject, as is the cleanliness of their room, and the use of a car and the bathroom. We worked together to find a good balance that will make both sides comfortable. Sometimes it was easier just to close their bedroom door.
5) Try to make an effort to eat as many meals together as possible. That may be only two or three a week, and maybe some are out of the house, but those get-togethers are priceless. Sometimes, we would pick a night for our children to cook. These nights are always fun for everyone.
6) We expected our daughters to have summer jobs. Though it was ultimately our children’s’ responsibility to secure a job, we would help them by contacting family and friends who could help in the process, or make notes of businesses we had see “Help Wanted” signs for. On one occasion, it was a professional acquaintance who ran a basketball camp, Another time we made note of the “Now Hiring” sign at the movie theater. Our daughters always took the initiative to secure the job, but sometimes a nudge in the right direction helped speed up the process.
7) At times it was difficult, but we were confident our daughters were growing into responsible adults. Trust that you have done a good job raising your child and the values you have instilled in them will help them make good decisions at college or at home.
8) We valued the time we had with our college students during the summer. It was a wonderful opportunity to reconnect and learn about their lives as college students. Be ready to listen when your child is ready to talk. Any and all conversations are very important and necessary. It may not be right away, but take those occasions and offer advice if solicited.
9) We tried to remember what it was like to be 18-21 years. Remember how difficult that age was for you at times. But don’t give away all your secret youthful mishaps.
10) Enjoy the summer. It may be challenging at times, but it’s a great time to grow as a family.
Colleen (’79) and Jim (MOL, ’92) O’Brien, GU grads and parents of three daughters, Sarah, Katie and Corrina (‘10)