Conduct and Behavior Standards and the Parents’ Role

Co-authored by Jill Yashinsky-Wortman, Student Life Case Manger and Jeffery Hart, Assistant Dean of Students

College is a time when students explore what it means to be independent, particularly in their first year.  They are stretching to meet new opportunities and being faced with unfamiliar challenges.  Despite all the work you have done with them before they ever walk on campus they will inevitably mis-step.  Sometimes it’s a small thing, sometimes it’s more serious.  In all cases it is an opportunity for them to learn from the experience so they can make better, more well-informed choices in the future.

Gonzaga University has a set of values that are brought to life through our policies, rules and expectations.  Our goal is to assist students as they grow and develop.  To that end, our conduct and behavior standards are designed to promote accountability and self-advocacy – two skills which will serve students as well as any knowledge they gain in the classroom.  Two things we understand about our students is that they will not make ideal choices at all times, and that the place they come from – the context of their upbringing – represents an investment of love, time and energy by their parents.  Because you knew you couldn’t be there for every new experience you taught them to be good critical thinkers and make good choices.

One of the most challenging times you may face as a parent is the phone call or email from your son or daughter telling you they have “gotten in trouble” and must meet with a University conduct officer.  Your student may be fearful of what happens next, perhaps mad because they were seemingly singled out or treated unfairly, and probably just a little anxious about how you will react.  As a judicial officer my advice to you is to respond rather than react.  Understand that even at this time you are still a role model for your son or daughter.  How you respond teaches them how to critically think and act under pressure.  This is a time for you to provide good advice from the side and allow your son or daughter to work through this as an independent individual.  Our judicial system is not stacked against the student.  Although it may be unfamiliar, it is not unfair.

All parents can’t be painted with the same broad brush but there are some common themes as to a parent’s uncomfortable or adverse reaction to the disciplinary process.

• Something is threatening my child and my job is to protect him/her
• My child is brand new this independence thing – he/she still needs my intervention
• I know my child- they could have never done _________
• I know my child best and this doesn’t feel like it’s best for him/her
• I’m afraid my child will get kicked out of school if I don’t step in (or have a black mark in her/his permanent record, etc.)
• This was such a minor thing – why is Gonzaga making a big deal of it?

As you can see, the reactions span a pretty wide continuum.  All of them are rooted in a parent’s good intentions and 18+ years of being the primary source of safety, comfort and nurturing.  Your initial impulse may be to jump in with both feet and call or email someone at the University; resist that impulse. We understand and respect your desire to protect your son or daughter, and we want to protect them too.  That being said, we want to encourage you to consider that there is often more than one right way to help a student.  The conduct and disciplinary process at Gonzaga is based on our Jesuit heritage and values and grounded in best practices in higher education student affairs.  There is a purpose and intention in our conduct system that reflects our heritage and values, and leads to creating men and women for others.  Growth and development are our primary goals, not punishment.  The specific violation or conduct is not the focus of the disciplinary conversation with the student.  We want them to understand the implications of their actions and choices in a meaningful way.  College students can and do make poor choices.  Our judicial officers know that this doesn’t make students bad people.  Sanctions are crafted to promote reflection and integration.  Parent involvement in the judicial process will not change the outcomes, nor the sanctions.  While parents often intervene with the best intentions in mind, that intervention does not encourage students to practice being their own advocate. The best help you can offer your student is to let him or her navigate this process independently.

Perhaps there is no easy way to say this, but your role has now changed.  Your son or daughter (we are keenly aware that he/she will always be your “child”) is now an adult.  That means he or she is given the opportunity to make choices, the latitude to make mistakes, the rewards for good performance and the accountability for errors in judgment.  The key piece of this equation is the student’s role.  The disciplinary process is for them.  It is designed to promote reflection, foster growth and take him or her to the next level of development.  At a Jesuit institution this transformation is geared toward the whole person – emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, physically.  As individuals moving quickly towards being autonomous adults they must be prepared to act, think and problem-solve independently.  That crucial aspect of development is impeded when parents seek to insert themselves into the disciplinary process on behalf of their son or daughter.  They will struggle, sooner or later, because they are deprived of an opportunity to learn and grow.

It’s easy to blur the line between advocating for your student and being a surrogate for their best interests.  Our request to you is to do neither.  Act as a counselor, sage, guide and support system.  Remain open and communicative – even if you are frustrated, angry or disappointed on the inside.  Help your student help themselves by working through the facts and circumstances, the options and outcomes.  If you feel strongly that a particular course of action is best, have that discussion with your son or daughter.  If you sense they are hesitant or inproficient at speaking for themselves or being direct, honest and respectful help them develop those skills.  Educate yourself on what your son or daughter is experiencing.  You can go on-line and view the Student Handbook at www.gonzaga.edu/studenthandbook.

In my experience as a judicial officer I know that virtually every student has the wherewithal to navigate through disciplinary system.  But just as with math, science, music, sports or a foreign language the skill must be developed and practiced. Only one person can make that happen – the student.