By: Rachel Rasmussen, Center for Cura Personalis

For many of your students, romantic relationships and friendships will be an important and impactful part of their college experience. Perhaps your student is still in a relationship with someone from high school, or their significant other is at a different college. Maybe they have met or will meet someone during their time at Gonzaga. This is a time for students to discover what they like and dislike both in friends and potential life partners.  In many cases, relationship-building is a great growth opportunity and will provide them with positive experiences for future relationships.

Because of the many transitions that occur in college, it is also likely that your student will experience some relationships that will challenge them. As friend groups and relationships change, it may lead to feelings of disconnect or loneliness. It is important to encourage your student to develop healthy coping strategies when they are struggling in their relationships.

Here are some things to think about as your student navigates the transitions in their relationships:

• Positive communication in relationships is key. When things get difficult, it is easy to get caught in a cycle of nagging or complaining (sometimes this can happen over social media). Talk to your student about creating relationships and friendships based on an environment of mutual respect.
• Some level of conflict is normal (and healthy!) in a relationship. Remind your student that working through conflicts is an important life skill to develop, and it will help them identify what they truly value in relationships.
• Ask your student to think about their physical, emotional, and digital boundaries within their relationships. Help them find ways to communicate those to their partners and friends.
• Sometimes the best thing to do when a relationship is struggling is to end it. Tell your student that it is ok to mourn the relationship and to be grateful for the good parts. Encourage them to continue to stay or get involved in activities that keep them motivated and uplifted, whether it’s a friend group, church, club or other hobby.

That being said, there are a small number of students at Gonzaga who report being in relationships that are violent. It is important to be aware of the warning signs of potentially harmful relationships. Below are some resources that you can review to help your student who may be struggling:

• There is a pattern to most domestic violence.  Familiarize yourself with the cycle of domestic violence, and look for warning signs. Visit http://www.domesticviolenceroundtable.org/domestic-violence-cycle.html or http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/domestic-violence/WO00044 for more information.
• If your student begins to tell you about relationship problems, listen carefully; encourage your student to share his/her concerns. Common signs may include:
  1. Name calling or insults.
  2. Isolating the student from friends, family, or other environments.
  3. Constantly monitoring where the other person is; calling or texting excessively.
  4. Threats or acts of physical harm.

If what you hear is concerning, ask your student directly if his/her significant other has been physically, verbally or emotionally violent.  If the answer is yes, encourage your student to reach out to Residence Life staff, Campus Security, the Center for Cura Personalis, the Lutheran Community Services advocate, or Health and Counseling Services on campus.

Gonzaga also offers many different programs and trainings to combat violent relationships on our campus. Green Dot is a nationally-recognized bystander intervention program that trains students to recognize potentially harmful behaviors and gives them strategies to act. The Center for Cura Personalis is also offering a series on Healthy Relationships, which covers topics from managing conflict, communication skills, consent and boundary-setting, and the grieving process when breaking up. This series is currently offered on Tuesdays at 5:30 PM from October 6^th – December 1^st.

Although your student may face challenges in their relationships during their time at Gonzaga, they will also have the support of their community to fall back on. Remind your student that their relationships should challenge them to grow in positive ways, and remember that you will play a vital role in that support system.