Healthy Relationships

 

By: The Center for Cura Personalis

For many of your students, romantic relationships and friendships will be an important and impactful part of their college experience. Perhaps your student is still in a relationship with someone from high school, or their significant other is at a different college. Maybe they have met, or will meet, someone during their time at Gonzaga. This is a time for students to discover what they like and dislike both in friends and potential life partners.  In many cases, relationship-building is a great growth opportunity and will provide students with positive experiences for future relationships.

Because of the many transitions that occur in college, it is also likely that your student will experience some relationships that will challenge them. As friend groups and relationships change, it may lead to feelings of disconnect or loneliness. It is important to encourage your student to develop healthy coping strategies when they are struggling in their relationships.

Here are some things to think about, as your student navigates the transitions in their relationships:

• Positive communication in relationships is key. When things get difficult, it is easy to get caught in a cycle of nagging or complaining (sometimes, this can happen over social media). Talk to your student about creating relationships and friendships based on an environment of mutual respect.
• Some level of conflict is normal (and healthy!) in a relationship. Remind your student that working through conflict is an important life skill to develop, and it will help them identify what they truly value in relationships.
• Ask your student to think about their physical, emotional, and online boundaries within their relationships. Help them find ways to communicate those to their partners and friends.

This can all become especially challenging when long-distance relationships come into play, especially if being apart is a new aspect of the relationship.  As students begin to understand what a distance relationship looks like, here are a few conversational questions to help your student reflect:

• Start with the end in mind. Where does your student see this relationship going?  How does that vision fit into the next few years of college, including possibly a study abroad or other experience, and future life plans?
• Are both people equally committed to the relationship? What specific things demonstrate this equal commitment?
• Is being apart bringing the relationship closer together or farther apart? Some relationships can actually grow closer.  Talk about what things can reasonably be done to keep a relationship strong, while also encouraging your student to experience the many involvement opportunities here at GU.  Consistently forgoing experiences here to stay connected likely isn’t reasonable. Help your student to consider what seems reasonable.
• Within the relationship, can your student identify different themes that arise when a strong connection is felt with the other person? How might your student be helping to foster the connection? How might the other person be contributing toward the connection?
• On the reverse, can your student identify themes of disagreements or struggles? What actions or behaviors might have contributed to this, both on the part of your student and the other in the relationships?  If the theme seems to be recurring, is it something that can be worked through in a reasonable amount of time?  What specific things, within the control of your student, can be done to help move back to feeling more connected?
• Sometimes the best thing to do when a relationship is struggling is to end it. Tell your student that it is ok to mourn the relationship and to be grateful for the good parts. Encourage them to stay or get involved in activities that keep them motivated and uplifted, whether it’s a friend group, church, club or other hobby.

That being said, there are a small number of students at Gonzaga who report being in relationships that are violent- physically, emotionally or otherwise. It is important to be aware of the warning signs of potentially harmful relationships. Below are some resources to help your student, if you believe their relationship may be violent:

• There is a pattern to most domestic violence.  Familiarize yourself with the cycle of domestic violence, and look for warning signs. Visit http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/power-and-control-wheel/  for more information.
• If your student begins to tell you about relationship problems, listen carefully; encourage your student to share his/her concerns. Common signs may include:
  1. Name calling or insults.
  2. Isolating the student from friends, family, or other environments.
  3. Constantly monitoring where the other person is (i.e. showing up at residence hall, outside classes or work, etc); calling or texting excessively.
  4. Threats or acts of physical harm.

If what you hear is concerning, ask your student directly if his/her significant other has been physically, verbally or emotionally violent.  If the answer is yes, encourage your student to reach out to Residence Life staff, Campus Security, the Center for Cura Personalis, the Lutheran Community Services advocate, the YWCA, or Health & Counseling Services on campus.

Gonzaga also offers many different programs and trainings to combat violent relationships. Our Zags Help Zags campaign is a bystander intervention program that trains students to recognize potentially harmful behaviors and gives them strategies to act. Zags Help Zags addresses many topics, including domestic and intimate partner violence. The Well-Being toolbox also provides more information: http://www.gonzaga.edu/Student-Development/Wellbeing-Resources/Relationships.asp

Although your student may face challenges in their relationships during their time at Gonzaga, they have the support of their community to fall back on. Remind your student that their relationships should challenge them to grow in positive ways, and remember that you will play a vital role in that support system.