Falling In and Out of Love with Friends

By: Kelly Alvarado, FYEP; and Nicola Miller, CCP

When our students think of being in love they may first think of having a partner, a boyfriend or girlfriend, who they are romantically involved with in a relationship over a long period of time. Encourage your student this month to reflect on the love they receive from their friendships. Your student may start to feel like they are not connecting in the same way as they did in their first semester with their roommate because they have different schedules, or with their friends because they are spending more time with new class study groups or are exploring different opportunities through clubs and organizations. Friends of circumstance can be a comfortable blanket during the first semester; now you student will start to identify how their values influence who they will remain friends with over the next semester and their time at Gonzaga University.

Here are some tips to help your student navigate this transition:

• Friendships can go through a natural “cooling-off period” when students are not hanging out every day. Encourage your student to plan a once a week meal, outing or study group with their friends so they continue to spend quality time together.
• Keep the lines of communication open. Having discussions with friends about the evolution and needs of their friendship is healthy and will help reestablish how they can move forward.
• If friendships do end, remind your student about posting negative comments to social media. Zags should always treat other the way they would want to be treated with respect and common courtesy.

Many students may also find themselves beginning romantic relationships as well. Building relationships, both with friends and those more romance-based, are an integral part of the college experience.  This is a time for students to discover what they like and dislike both in friends and potential life partners.  In many cases, relationship building is a great growth opportunity and mostly positive experience.  And yes, having a friend by your side while in this process can be both a comfort and confidence booster! Friends are there to ask what is normal in relationships, give advice, and comfort students if relationships do not go quite the way the student hoped. Most college students will graduate not only with a degree, but also with valuable relationship experience.

Every year, though, Gonzaga receives a small number of reports of violence between dating partners and sometimes even roommates. Below is a list of resources to aid Gonzaga students who may be struggling with relationship issues:

• There is a pattern to most domestic violence.  Familiarize yourself with the cycle of domestic violence, and look for warning signs. Visit http://www.domesticviolenceroundtable.org/domestic-violence-cycle.html or http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/domestic-violence/WO00044 for more information.
• If your student begins to tell you about relationship problems, listen carefully; encourage your student to share his/her concerns. Common signs may include:
  1. Name calling or insults.
  2. Isolating the student from friends, family, or other environments.
  3. Constantly monitoring where the other person is; calling or texting excessively.
  4. Threats or acts of physical harm.

If what you hear is concerning, ask your student directly if his/her significant other has been physically, verbally or emotionally violent.  If the answer is yes, encourage your student to reach out to Residence Life staff, Campus Security, the Center for Cura Personalis or the Counseling Center on campus.

As Maya Angelou said, “First best is failing in love. Second best is being in love. Least best is falling out of love. But any of it is better than never having been in love.” When looking at love through the context of friendships, your student may be falling out of love and that is ok. Gonzaga University’s community is one of the top reasons students feel connected. Your student’s friendships of circumstance may shift, evolve or end, but your student will continue to have a welcoming community where students say please and thank you and appreciate the time they have with each other in friendship.